6 Things You Should Never Say to a New Dementia Caregiver

 1. “I know exactly how you feel.”

Unless you’ve personally cared for someone with dementia, you probably don’t know exactly how they feel. Dementia caregiving is emotionally complex and unpredictable. Each person’s experience is different based on the type of dementia, the relationship they have with the person, and countless other factors.

Instead say: “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it.” This acknowledges their struggle without claiming to understand something you haven’t experienced. It opens the door for them to share as much or as little as they want.

 2. “At least they had a good life.”

While this might seem comforting, it dismisses the caregiver’s current pain and grief. Dementia caregivers experience what’s often called “ambiguous loss.” They are often grieving while still caregiving. And moreover, their loved one is still alive and capable of feeling moments of joy.

Instead say: “This must be so hard, watching these changes happen. How are you holding up?” This validates their emotional experience and invites them to share their feelings without minimizing the loss they’re experiencing.

 3. “I could never do what you’re doing.”

This phrase is problematic for a couple reasons. First, it suggests the caregiver isn’t capable or that they’re making a mistake by providing care at home. Second, saying “I could never do that” implies the caregiver is somehow different or extraordinary in a way that creates distance rather than support.

Instead say: “You’re doing an incredible job. If you ever think you need help, I’d be happy to look into what support services might be available to help you.” This affirms their efforts while gently opening the conversation about resources—whether that’s in-home help, adult day programs, respite care, or memory care.

 4. “They seem fine to me!”

Dementia symptoms fluctuate throughout the day and may not be obvious during a brief visit. People with dementia can sometimes rally and appear more capable when visitors arrive, only to decline again afterward. Suggesting that the person seems fine invalidates the caregiver’s daily reality and can make them feel like they’re exaggerating.

Instead say: “Thanks for sharing what’s really happening day-to-day. I know a short visit doesn’t show me the full picture.”

This acknowledges that you understand your limited perspective and trust the caregiver’s assessment of the situation.

 5. “Have you tried [insert miracle cure, supplement, or brain game]?”

New dementia caregivers are often overwhelmed with information, much of it conflicting. They’re likely already working with doctors and have researched options extensively. Unsolicited advice about miracle cures can feel dismissive of the reality they’re facing and add to their mental load.

Instead say: “Are the doctors giving you information about what to expect and what might help?” This shows interest in their medical journey without offering amateur medical advice. If they want suggestions, they’ll ask.

6. “Let me know if you need anything!”

While well intentioned, this puts the burden back on the caregiver to figure out what they need and then ask for it. Most new caregivers are so overwhelmed they can’t even think about what help would be useful.

Instead say: “I’m bringing dinner on Thursday. Would 6 p.m. work or is another time better?” Specific offers are much more likely to be accepted. You’re not asking if they need help, you’re telling them you’re going to help and confirming the details.

Dementia caregiving can be isolating. Your friend or family member needs to know they’re not alone. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is simply: “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”